God Damned Sprinklers: 26 Days / by charles desrochers

What is so great about 9:30 PM that ever mother fucking sprinkler in my neighborhood goes off?

Why did I choose to go on a run at 9:30 PM in the first place?

Why was I running on a hill where there’s an enormous concert venue letting out thousands of people who flood the sidewalk?

We may never know the answer to life’s important questions but one thing is for certain, yesterday’s run sucked.

I know I say that a lot. Pretty much every run is awful, shitty, terrible and the worst but this one takes the cake. It had a few of the golden oldies as well as a few fresh slices of bullshit. I was running a little late (pun intended) because the wife and I went out to see a comedy show across town. The show was pretty funny, a little frenetic and long for my taste but we definitely enjoyed it. To hurry a meal after work I inhaled a sandwich and shoveled macaroni salad right before walking the dog and getting to the show.

Not that you care about my dinner, I just say that to give context for the brick in my stomach when I got to mile 2.

I’m still getting over my cold so I decided not to smoke any weed for this run, which would make it another first for this training. I was surprised how fast the first part of the sober run went but the clear head meant that ever tiny ankle sprain and blister I’ve acquired from trying to get to a 26.2 Mile distance in two months started to creep into my mind and occupy some real-estate.

I wanted to stop early. There’s a point in my run where I can easily take a left, then go down a short hill and be in bed in less than 3 minutes. But I decided that if it was so easy to give up at that moment then it would be easy to give up later too, so I ran a bit more and told myself that if I REALLY wasn’t feeling it I could turn back. I was still getting over a flu and it was late so I decided to be kind to myself for once.

That was a mistake.

As I made my way up the hill I started to wonder why there were so many people walking the opposite way. What started as a few couples here and there turned into a small trickle which turned into a downpour.

Seeing so many rude people not move out of the way or step aside as a courtesy really pissed me off at first but then I realized what was going on. The concert let out.

Soon the sidewalk was flooded with hipsters all hopped up on their Bon Iver concert, or whatever, and I was running next to the sidewalk, tripping over tree roots and twisting ankles on uneven and poorly lit ground. Just as it seemed that there couldn’t be any more people I said “fuck it.” With about 30 yards left I turned around and ran down the grassy median instead of contending again with the hordes of concert goers who couldn’t care less for anyone else.

That’s when the sprinklers went off.

That lasted the entire hill down. I had to waited patiently for cars to stop so I could cross the street. They didn’t. It didn’t matter that they were stuck in bumper to bumper traffic and I was making eye contact with every single one of them. Nope. They just kept on driving.

Once I got back to the main road everything was fine but I was wired for the whole night and couldn’t catch any rest until I played a video game or two. The next morning I weighed myself to find that I was at my lightest in 3 years. With just a month and a half of running I’ve lost 15 pounds and counting. I’m hot all of the time, which is something I forgot happens when my metabolism starts to kick in, but I’m not gonna start complaining about that too. There’s a few pairs of pants I’ve been meaning to fit back in to.